My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
