I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
