i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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