i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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