WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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