She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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