I am puke
He felt like a one man threesome
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
