so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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