why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
