Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
