Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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