Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
