I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
