Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
