I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
