You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
