Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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