I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
