I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
