Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
