If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
