he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
