Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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