Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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