ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
