At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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