I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
