I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
