Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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