I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
