i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I take back everything I said about communal showers
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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