the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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