I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
