I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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