she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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