3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
