I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Someone signed my nipple.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
