FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
