after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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