Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize