Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
