Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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