Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
