Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
