Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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