I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
