Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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