no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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