I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
