New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
