I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
