Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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