I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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