Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
