I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
smell my finger.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
