A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
