Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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