with your own penis?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
