upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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